Speed Kills, or Gets You a Base.
2006, ah yes. The season that will be remembered for, among other things, the new set of penalties for steroids. But much less publicised are the new penalties for Greenies, Prellies, also known as amphetamines or SPEED. We all know speed, the easiest way to get a traffic ticket. In no way related to the basic thrust of this post, but Peter news nonetheless, I finally, after 9 years, got a speeding ticket. Was I going too fast ? Well, yes, according to the speed limit of 40 MPH. I was going 52, but I was travelling on a road that has had more than its share of tragic accidents and deaths recently, the dreaded Rt. 44 in Avon, just 12 miles West of Hartford, my birth city. Um, what was I saying. Oh yeah. The penalties for having speed (much easier to spell than amphetamines) in a ballplayer's system are severe, tough enough to keep all but the wooden-headed idiots clean. But I envision energy levels much lower. I can see mattresses and cots in the clubhouse, and one inside the Monster for Manny. Between innings, the players can avail themselves of quick loading Columbian intravenus caffeine, of couse mixed with saline solution to keep him (I don't see any hers,yet) hydrated. I also think the papers will have all-year contact with the coffee companies supplying their hometown team(s) with coffee in order to track the rapidly climbing orders for more shipments, soon by the ton. My goodness, think of the discounts that will be awarded them. They should share that income with the fans, as a way of saying thank you for coming to see our national pastime, slower and more lethargic, but with deliberate sureness that the players will get through the 162 game season. Official times for the games' duration will also rise, giving the fan even more time to enjoy the game, either in person with an iced coffee in hand, or at home watching a Folger's ad.
Let's get revved up tonight in anticipation with a cup of hot Joe, but I'll have mine orally please. Yawn..............P.S. I don't drink coffee, but I see its appeal if you have grown accustomed to it.